*Note... this entry is a little weird [not my usual self...even i find it weird] .. so if u can't handle change then forget about reading it*
I'm confused. I've never felt out of control. I'm always in control. From my actions to my words. That's why I strive to be in control most of the time. I act as the leader when I find that the current situation is not handled properly. I like things to go my way... which explains why I keep arguing with PS during my Guiding days. [Thank God we manage to work things out most of the time]. And this are just the basics in life... or in an average student's life. Be in control of schoolwork, CCA, feelings and maintaining friendships.
So... for me, being in control is my forte. I like leading [but sometimes I like to be led (can slack)]. Control is very important to me. Again, I'm able to regain control of things that go chaotic. That's why... when things go out of control.. I get all uptight. And as I grow older... it seems clear to me that there are a lot of issues that one doesn't have control over. You just can't help it. And sure... given my character, I like pretending that I'm in control of things that.. I'm just not. And to many... they can probably guess what this thing is that I can't control...
Anyway... I sought to reflecting and thinking. I thought so much that I couldn't sleep last night. Questions were dancing around in my mind. Sure... I posed these questions to others. And the answers differ. But one advice stuck through. That I should ask the right person. Then again.. it's hard to go straight to the source of all your worries and question that person. It's just weird.
And so, conflicted Lynn is really conflicted. One who was always in control, who seemed as though her life was problem-free... One whom others could count on to solve their problems.. Sigh... I need a doctor... and lots of courage. Maybe I shall write a letter.. since I can't do it face to face... The irony of it all. ''Right now.. face2face.. all my fears... pushed a si de'' Haha... The one thing I can't do very well, used to be the name of my previous blog... argh...
BTW, please please please.. and I'm begging you[whoever you are] please... don't ask me anything to do with this entry. I'm not pushing away help... just that I'm afraid that you're the problem... because I won't know how to lie my way through... because you wouldn't wanna deal with a hysterical overly-worried and about to cry Lynn... Basically.. I'll break down and never ever wanna have anything to do with you.. because of guilt/shame or whatever.. I don't even know how I will feel.. NO CONTROL! Argh...
I wrote this so any eccentricities in my behaviour would be cast off as 'Lynn is conflicted'. And... I promise everyone.. I will sort things out. And I will surface this problems to the right person.. when I feel it's right.
