An old friend told me to be honest to my family and friends, and most importantly to myself. And I guess I can't possibly go on keeping how I feel to myself. Citing examples from a few failed and successful 'ships, [friends and all], I've had... it struck me how much I keep to myself. I know what I'm feeling, but I just don't say it. So, after a few shouts and after I put away my "think I care?" attitude, I, Hailynn, reflected. Uh-huh...
So basically, everyone has their plusses and 'minusses' [someone send me back to school so I don't lose my grammar and vocab..]. Likewise, I have my plus and minus. Things started well, with the friend pointing out all my plusses [who doesn't like to be complimented?]. Then, it went downhill, as my minuses were picked out, one by one by one...
And the major minus, was that I recieve and don't give. Uh-huh. I went "harh?". At first, me being superficial and ignorant, I thought it was on a material level. Then it went further, my feelings. Okay.. the fact that I totally clammed up after I learnt it was about 'my feelings', shows how I refuse to tell anything. Sheesh.
I was coaxed into realisation. Not exactly realisation, just.. a 'coming-face-to-face-with-what-you-already-know-but-are-in-denial-of-for-fear-that-you-will-get-hurt'. Hmm... in short, forced realisation of what I'm afraid of. -.- Gawd.. this is tough. So... yeah. Thing is, I am afraid of getting hurt, thus I don't tell people what I'm feeling. But in turn, the other party feels short-changed. I'm receiving their raw feelings and I'm not giving back what I should. I don't trust people too... But that's just 'damned wrong' since people put their trust in me.
[You don't know how hard it is for me to type all these...but I gotta 'cos... it's the.. easiest way.. to...'broadcast'.. whatever]. Ermm.. yeah. OK... Now that I've said that, I gotta say this. Thanks to all who put up with my idiosyncracies, whenever I'm so reticent. Those friends are hard to find 'cos they understand what you're feeling despite you not telling them anything. But of course, not everyone is a mind-reader. And no one should constantly be playing the guessing game in any relationship, friendship..
This paragraph is going to be mushy. To my dear friends [close or not close], I treasure all the times [good and bad], I appreciate all the comforting and bitching, the bonding, the pranks, the slaps [hoho] and the bra-snapping.. The dares, the truths [yah tt's why i always choose dare]. Haiz.. And yes, I promise to be more open. Because I cannot be selfish and try to protect myself from getting hurt. But this all came from past experiences, which includes betrayal and stuff. Then again, I gotta cherish what I've got now. So, I'll work to be a better person, a better friend, daughter, sister, etc.
That's a load off my chest! I don't know what kind of reaction I'll get from this post. Maybe no reaction at all. But I know I've made at least one person truly happy. And that's all that matters.
